if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
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Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Hard not to take this personally
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”