A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
who did the taste test?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick