My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call