Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
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I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”