7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
You Might Also Like
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful