The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
You Might Also Like
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Canada has crack?
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”