rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
You Might Also Like
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
i choose….tongue
*lint rolls you awake*
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.