My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.