Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
You Might Also Like
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
oppen heimer style lol
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.