My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
What flavor cupcake are these
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again