Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Whoa 😂
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.