Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
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Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
The French word for sex is croissant.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*