[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
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I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”