I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
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You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Y’all know who you are.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.