The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
6. me as a lawyer
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*