My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
You Might Also Like
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
And that about sums it up.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.