me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?