The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
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I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No