My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
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Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
😜
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”