*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath