Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
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I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.