So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
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My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My typo game is string.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.