My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.