Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace