These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.