My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
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Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Welcome to the stomach
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game