Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
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9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Mouse
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.