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I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
just got my engagement photos
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?