Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂