Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
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[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°