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I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
God has left this place
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
o shit
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!