°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
accurate
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”