[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
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If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I think we should hear other voices.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.