Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
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I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I have two kinds of followers
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.