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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schr枚dinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I wish this was real life…
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
if at first you don鈥檛 succeed that鈥檚 so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me鈥擨 will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Chemical wingman
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you鈥檙e nuts!
me: no. your nuts
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?