*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
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Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
worst…sale…ever
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
what’s more important?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.