“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You Might Also Like
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
New favorite tiktok
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Worth the read.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.