STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
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Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs