ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
You Might Also Like
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Mummies are just super modest zombies