Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
The struggle is real.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
sry
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.