Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
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Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
opening twitter today
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO