Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
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WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
The struggle is real
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.