Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
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“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
3% human
97% stress
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.