My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.