My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
The human personality is made of five key elements
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
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Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge