writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
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I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship