I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
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*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”