ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night