I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.