*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
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If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Lmfaoooooo
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
A leaf blower, but for people.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again